As my loyal readers will have no doubt observed, it has been a notable length of time since my last blog. For which I apologise. It has troubled me deeply and affected my life on a daily basis. Every time I have found myself in transit, be it on foot, train, by car, taxicab, plane, helicopter, hovercraft, zeppelin, hot air balloon, goat... I have been consumed, eaten up, tormented with a disproportionate guilt. But, my dear readers I have to admit something that saddens me as much as it saddens you. Try, as I did, open-eyed and eager, Badger-all has happened to me of late. My journeys have been worse than tiresome- they've been normal. No odd behaviour, No pigeons under my seat, No homeless men propositioning me for a quickie outside The Houses of Parliament. Yup! Dull. Until... Thursday. Ah- Thursday. The day after my favourite day of the week. I have a friend. And this friend is American. As an American she was terribly excited to open up her home to her friends, of which (although we have covered this) I am one. She made all the foods. The roasted poultry creature, that sage and onion mashed...

So, I have been doing an experiment of late. To be exact, a Social Study... a ... Financed Transport Research Project. It's called the 'I am broke and must walk places' study. And my financial backers are 'credit limit' and 'in the red'. They wanted to remain anonymous but I was insistent that they were duly accredited. So. I am poor. BUT, who needs Public Transport when you have perfectly functioning, malnourished feet right?! So, I have walked across London many a time of late. I have had hands on, pavement experience. I have encountered many a pedestrian, plenty of tourists, all of the idiots and I have discovered why people on the tube are so quiet . I actually have the irrefutable, true, true cause of the underground silence! But we will get to that. I have walked through west London and east London. Central London (also known as the dodge or die zone) I have walked south of the river and ... well, I have not strayed north of late. But pavement etiquette has been difficult to master because, well, there seems to be none. As far as I can gather these are Acceptable pedestrian traits Swearing...

It's one of those times of year when ill people are everywhere. In public, at home, in public... They evoke faces of repulsion and disgust and the occasional irrepressible tut. Dear god WHY are you on the tube? Why are you not far far far away from me you sick sick person you? Put your bacteria in your bag and bog off! The cougher . The cougher..? See, the cougher is really quite harmless. A simple irritation to the ear, and the fat drum & bass tune I'm trying to zen out to (...yeah...I'm not trying to zen out to drum and bass... but the point stands!) See the cougher is an irritation for one reason and one reason alone. The sound of a cough is annoying. It's really annoying . And... that's it really. People aren't generally disgusted by a cough per se, but the noise is unpleasant. And we all wish you wouldn't cough. Furthermore- coughers' that do not cover their mouths... should be shot. I, as anyone who knows me will tell you, have a major problem with people not covering their mouth when they cough. Simple etiquette guys. Simple etiquette. Etiquette 101 I would say...